Quasi-Book Review: "Secret Slave" by Anna Ruston

Oh man, I don't think I have words sufficient to describe this books or my thoughts after reading it.  But I'm gonna try, anyway.   Secret Slave is "a work of non-fiction, based on the life, experiences and recollections of Anna Ruston, who is using a pseudonym."  The author retells, in graphic detail, the horrors she endured as a sex slave (and human punching bag) from the age of 15 to the age of 28, when she was finally able to escape.

As I mentioned, Ms. Ruston does not shy away from detailing the physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse that she endured not only at the hands of her sadistic kidnapper, but his family as well.    I cannot imagine how the author found the will to continue living, day after day, for 13 years, through insurmountable torture.  I could not stop reading and finished this book in less than a day.  I cried, I got incredibly angry, and  I finally felt relief and hope as Anna detailed in the epilogue what her life looks like now.

I will never understand how one human being could commit such horrendous acts against another human.  But what really got to me the most about Anna's story was the amount of people she came into contact with throughout those 13 years...doctors, nurses, home health care workers, even policemen, who did nothing.

I truly think this should be required reading for anyone in the medical and human/social services field.  Every warning sign was there.  She had several hospitalizations.  Several miscarriages.  Several severe injuries explained away as clumsiness.  She was not allowed to speak to the doctors and nurses, her captor always answered for her.  She was not allowed to be alone, there were always 2 or more of her captor's family members with her at all times.  She was not allowed to remain at the hospital unless absolutely necessary, and even then she was smuggled out a few times.  And yet, all of these hospitalizations, all of these doctors and nurses and aides that came into contact with her, that saw all of these warning signs, and no one helped her.  No one did anything.  They either saw and didn't act, or choose not to see what was very plainly in front of their eyes.

Just imagine if the first doctor she ever saw did something. Or the second. Or the third.  If someone, at some point over those 13 years, helped her.  But no one did.

Don't be the person who chooses not to see.  Don't be the person who sees and doesn't act.  Educate yourself. Know the warning signs. And if you see them, act.

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

[Desmond Tutu]

-AA

How not to talk about food...

Trigger warning: this post deals with disordered eating patterns and contains content that may be triggering for anyone struggling in that area.

How many of you are excited that Thanksgiving is just a couple days away?  I absolutely LOVE this season.  From now until New Years, my days are filled more than usual with fun, family, friends and so much love.   I am so blessed to have a wonderful, albeit crazy, family that is extremely close and celebrates each holiday with a big family meal, and lots of time spent talking and laughing together.  BUT...holidays that center around food can be really difficult to navigate for people who struggle with any form of disordered eating.  For people like me.

Real talk, you guys.  In my last post, over a year ago (what?!?) I shared that I have been trucking through the recovery process from disordered eating and exercise addiction for awhile now.  And it is not easy.  Some days are victories, like the other night when I added more whipped cream to my hot chocolate 3 separate times and ate it with so much joy, quickly squashing ED's voice in my head.  And some days are really difficult, like when I log every single thing I eat to see my calorie count, or make myself skip lunch because I didn't work out the night before.

So a lot of times, those of us with unhealthy relationships with food, despite our best intentions, tend to have anxiety about group meals, whether it's going to a restaurant with friends, lunch with co-workers, special events or family gatherings.  It can be really hard and uncomfortable to know how to navigate the situation and hopefully avoid the awkward glances or, even worse, the questions.

Let me tell ya a story that happened to me a few weeks ago, which inspired this post.  Dylan took me to this super fancy event, called The Fur Ball, which was a benefit for our local animal shelter.  I got this amazing dress, Dylan looked quite dapper in the dress shirt I picked out for him complete with his signature suspenders, and we were all geared up for a fun night. I knew that a meal was going to be served, and was hoping that it would be buffet-style so I could at least have some control over what I was being served.  On top of having disordered eating habits, I am also an extremely-picky eater.  The two go hand in hand for me.  I legitimately get anxiety attacks over trying new or unfamiliar foods.  Which makes navigating an unfamiliar food/eating environment extremely difficult.  My typical defense is "eat before you go" because I never know if I will be able to eat what is being served.

Fast-forward a little bit. We're settled in at our table for the evening, sitting with some lovely strangers and making the obligatory small talk.  Then it was time for dinner, and I realized that it was a served meal, and not buffet-style as I had hoped.  The waiters started bringing around the salads.  I don't eat salad. At all. Never have. I get that from my dad. So when the waiter got to me, I politely declined, which prompted the lady sitting next to me to lean over and ask "are you on a diet?"  I wanted to roll my eyes and say, "Are you kidding me? It's a salad, lady."  But instead, I responded, "Oh no, I just don't like salad."  I had a feeling things were just gonna go downhill from there.

When the main course was served, I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat it.  Although they served chicken, it was covered in mushrooms and peppers and an unknown sauce, and so I just sat there picking at the roasted potatoes on my plate.  Dylan, who has been walking beside me through this recovery journey for quite some time now, didn't even have to ask what was wrong.  I looked at him and whispered "I can't eat this" and he responded, "That's fine, love, we can stop wherever you want and get you food on the way home."   But no one else at that table knew of my food issues and anxiety.  As they all cleared their plates, they kept glancing at me with awkward looks, until finally a gentlemen across the table asked me why I wasn't eating.  I tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible by simply saying that I was a really picky eater.  But at that point the damage was already done; I felt so uncomfortable the rest of the time, until the plates were cleared away and another activity of that evening began.   But that wasn't the end of it.  A few times throughout the evening, the same gentleman would comment about me not eating, and at one point even told Dylan to order me a pizza because he was worried about me.  I know he meant to be kind and joking, but I just wanted to yell "enough, already!"

I tell you that story to give an example of things not to say.  I know none of the people who made comments to me that night meant to be hurtful or harmful, but they were.  Because what the lady who asked me if I was dieting didn't know was that because my dress was form-fitting, I spent the entire week battling ED, who was telling me that I needed to eat as little as possible that week to quickly drop a few pounds so I didn't look "fat." What she didn't know was that I put my dress on several times throughout the week, second guessing whether I should wear it simply because of the lies ED was telling me.  What she didn't know was that her one simple question reinforced the lies that I had been battling all week.

So as you are gathering around with friends and family this holiday season, please be mindful of the way you talk about food.  You may think "oh, no one in my family struggles with disordered eating." Maybe they don't.  But you don't know.  We can get really good at hiding it.

Here are some pointers to help you be a friend to the ED community, specially when centered around a meal:

1. Please don't comment if we are not eating.  We know we aren't eating.  We know it's awkward that everyone else is eating, but we aren't.  You pointing it out just makes it so much worse.  So please, just don't.

2. Please don't talk about dieting/restricting food or calories.  Or that this or that food is so bad for you.  Again, this just reinforces the lies that ED tells us.

3. Please don't talk about gaining weight from eating a dessert/starch/carb/etc. or needing to work off the calories.  This is a big trigger for us, especially those of us who battle exercise addiction alongside disordered eating.  For us, it isn't a joke.  That is the exact lie we are trying so hard to overcome.

4. Please don't comment on portion size.  We are doing the best we can.  We used to say "mind your own plate" in our house growing up, and that is a good rule of thumb.  It's not up to you to decide and comment upon if I have too little or too much food on my plate.

So what is ok?

1. It's ok to check in with us.  Simply asking "how are you doing today?" can help us feel accepted and understood, and ease a lot of the tension we feel about mealtime.

2. It's ok to ask us if/how you can help.  Sometimes we just need to know we have someone in our corner.

3. It's ok to comment on how good the food is!

4. It's ok to offer us food, but don't press if we turn it down.  If we say no to a piece of pie, just move on, people.

To my family friends, thank you for walking beside me in this journey and continuing to be a support system.  And to my friends in the ED community; we got this! We can continue to learn and grow through recovery, even in difficult situations.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

-AA